Endings

My life ended on the 9th of April, 2007. Thats the last day I saw my child. Since then, I've not felt deeply connected to anyone or anything. I feel I have just been marking time, waiting for something. Anything. Struggling most days to find a reason to haul myself out of bed and do something. I live in the forlorn hope that one day, somehow, contact will be reestablished. A lot of people over the last couple of years have said "get over it", "move on". I can't. It's not like the kind of loss where she died, where there would be a grave to visit and an acceptance of never seeing her again. And its not like the kind of loss where you maintain some contact, however fleeting. An occasional card, a photo or two. Something to let you know that she exists, and provides hope. But all that is denied me. Some say go visit her. I can't. I have no idea where they live. I can't look them up in a phonebook, because Japan doesn't have that sort of thing. I can't take her to court because Japan never signed the Hague convention which governs international custody disputes. There is, apparently, no legal remedy, and short of hiring a private investigator, no way of making contact.
I am stymied at every step. Stuck in a limbo where I can't accept what I have lost, can't go forward, and can't move on. 9th April, 2007. The shitiest day of my life.

Scouts

So after the self indulgent whining that was the last post, now for something completely different.
I like scouts. I like being a scout leader. Planning programs, then running them is fun. Last term there were 8 scouts and 12 cubs who showed up regularly on Monday night to participate and have fun. The big thing last term was going camping out the back of a farm in Witerimu. Ten cubs and scouts, five adults. Pouring rain and huge fun had by all. Tonight we started back with the new term. I showed hoping that there would be 14 kids come along. There were 28. It was a lot more than I expected and the nights activites suddenly needed to be expanded, extra resources sourced to make sure everyone could participate. 16 cubs and 12 scouts and I was having a ball. The scouts tried to build a tower out of bamboo and rubber bands. Then they tried to make a pyramid holding a candle and push it out into the middle of the room to pop a balloon. More fun.

So for now I am on an upswing and happy. Hope I can sustain it for a few more days :)

PS The pictures show us on the top of a ridge we hiked up, and lighting fires in the pouring rain (difficult, not impossible)