Frustrated

Never did go out to the Gardens today, just went to the park, fed the ducks and read for an hour or so. I feel... anxious, restless, lonely. Wish there was someone I could talk to, someone to share things with. A little while ago I found myself starring at the number for the employee assistance programme at work. I've been thinking about giving them a call, trying to arrange some counselling for myself, deal with my grief. Trouble is I've seen counselors twice before that I can remember, once just before my heart condition was diagnosed. That ended when I revealed something to him I've never told another living soul. The other was when Kyoko and I were getting counselling for some communications problems we were having just before we went overseas. And that ended about as badly as anything could. So I'm unsure about taking the risk again. I want to do something, just not sure about what it is I want to do.

TGIF

Yay, end of the week, and I actually have two days off this weekend. I'm thinking of packing a picnic lunch and heading off to the Gardens tomorrow for a nice afternoon out. Spent some of today working out an outline for my story. I envisage it as a sort of fantasy/western, with two friends crossing a kingdom in turmoil searching for the wife and daughter of one of them. I'm still undecided about why the wife has gone missing, I have a couple of ideas, and will see how they fit. Anyway, as they search, they uncover a deeper plot that has far reaching implications. The story is basically about loss and dealing with that loss, (no surprise there). I'll probably take a notebook with me tomorrow and do some writing.

Hope

After an aeon of silence, finally I got the answer I had hoped for. Yes, there is a sliver of hope, a tiny ember, that with careful tending I might be able to fan into a flame.
I think the problem was that we both moved to fast, beyond a pace that we were both comfortable with, and as a result, things collapsed. We are both at fault I feel, neither one of us innocent in all this.
The key to rebuilding will be time and patience and space.
One thing hasn't changed though, she is still someone I find supremely interesting, someone I want so much to be with. Whatever it takes to keep this hope alive, I'll do.

Rain

Right now the rain is absolutely bucketing down outside and there is a frequent low rumble of thunder and the sky is occasionally light up by lightning. I love this. I was out walking when the leading edge of the storm passed overhead. It was an absolute delight to feel that first wave of water wash over me, and then to continue home, glasses misted by the rain, barely able to see. It was absolutely glorious. On another note, speaking of those who love the rain. I am still trying to make contact with her, to find out what the story is. Still no joy.

Serenity

We may experience some slight turbulence, and then... explode

Happy Birthday Hanano Angela Shigi-Mines

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to yooouuu
Happy Birthday to you.
Today my little Hanachan turned four year old. It has been two years, ten months and nine days since I last saw her.
I have no idea what sort of person she is becoming, all I can hope is that she is being loved and cared for, and nurtured and encouraged. I live in the hope that one day she will realize that her real father is still out here, and she will come looking for me.
At times like this, when the bleakness overwhelms me and oblivion beckons with widespread arms, it helps to have friends to talk to. The closest I got today was my little sister.
But I will not go quietly in to that good night, I will rage, rage against the dying of the light. I am determined to overcome my dark mood and when that precious little girl comes looking for hr daddy, she will find me, and not some grave marker to show where I had been.

Dreaming A Crow Black Dream

Burn - The Cure
"Don't look don't look" the shadows breathe
Whispering me away from you
"Don't wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling
Adored
Tousled bird mad girl... "
But every night I burn
But every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again

"Oh don't talk of love" the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
"Don't talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that's ever true
There's nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do... "
Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream's the same
Every night I burn
Waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn
Waiting for the world to end

"Just paint your face" the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
"Oh it doesn't matter how you hide
Find you if we're wanting to
So slide back down and close your eyes
Sleep a while
You must be tired... "
But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream

Dream the crow black dream...

Bad Times

So tonight I am having a bad night. In just a couple of days Hanano will be four years old, but to my mind, she is trapped at the age of 15 months. I have no idea what she looks like, what kind of person she is becoming. I don't know her likes and dislikes, favourite food, favourite toys, nothing about her. It breaks my heart, the pain is still very real to me and I feel very down and depressed. Lots of people tell me that it will be all right, that she will eventually come looking for me. But what has Kyoko told her? I know that her last letter told me that she was telling Hana that some one else was her father, and the question looms in my mind, what else is she telling her?
And even if she comes looking for me, then what will she find? What sort of man am I?
Will she like what she finds? These questions bother me in the dark recesses of my mind. There is something in me that drives people away. I don't make friends easily, and the few I do, I have the knack to alienate and drive away.

Just life

Okay, so for the past couple of weeks I've been trying really hard to lead a virtuous life, eating good foods, exercising, biking to work each morning, and walking every evening. And so far, it seems to be working. My weight tends to fluctuate a couple of kilos throughout the day, but it is slowly coming off, so much so that I asked the boss for new, smaller pants the other day. Soon I may have to get a smaller shirt too :) I've also been trying my hand at a programme called 100 push ups. I made it to the end of week two, and all excited, tried the exhaustion test, doing as many push ups as I could manage. I got to 13. Respectable since the first time I tried, two weeks ago, I managed a mere 4. But, unfortunately, not good enough to make it into week three, I need 16 push ups for that. So its back to week two, but this time, I'll try the second column, which is a little more intense.

Reworking

The first paragraph from the previous post, reworked.

Kalian woke in the depths of the night, knowing something was wrong. The bed beside him was empty. At first he thought that maybe Arian had simply slipped out to check the baby, but as he lay there, he became aware that something was wrong. It was nothing he could put his finger on, simply a nameless dread. He stretched his arm out beneath the blankets, to feel where Arian had lain. The mattress was cool to his touch; she had been gone for a while.
With a heavy feeling settling in his heart, he slipped out from beneath the bed clothes and sought out his breeches, He pulled them on, making as little noise as possible, and then slipped open the door that separated their small bedroom from the main room of the house. On silent feet, his heart thudding in his chest, Kalian slipped across to the crib and peered inside. It was empty.

A beginning

He woke up knowing that something was terribly wrong. As he lay there in the darkness he realised that he was alone in the bed. He turned to his right, and stretched out his arm. The mattress was cool; the comforter had long since lost any sense of her warmth. With a cry he surged up out of the bed, flinging the bedclothes to one side as he called her name. There was no cry, and naked, he padded from the small bedroom into the main room of the small cabin. His heart beat fast and his breathing was shallow and rapid as he slid on silent feet over to the crib. One look was enough to see that it too was empty.
With a great wail, he threw open the cabin door and screamed their names in to the uncaring night. He ran out into the small garden that she had tended so religiously and sank to his knees sobbing uncontrollably. After a time that seemed to him to be forever, he regained control of himself. The sobbing slowed, and then stopped, and he slowly rose to his feet, gripping a handful of soil from the garden. Stretching the arm out in front of him, he allowed the dirt to slowly trickle from his hand as his mind raced. That she had gone and taken their daughter was not in doubt. The question remained why? Had she gone alone? Or had someone forced her?
He remembered the visit from her brother a few days earlier, the cool arrogance of the man, and his disdainful demeanour. Her family had despised him, and never missed an opportunity to ridicule and degrade him, cursing his human parentage and reminding her of her birthright as an elven lady. He remembered now the quiet conversations she had had with her brother, conversations from which he had been excluded.
He stood in the cool dark of night, the dirt falling from his fingers and dissipating with the light wind. As he did so, a darkness grew in his heart. It did not matter why she had done this he decided, what mattered was his daughter. From the moment a year earlier that he had first beheld he, puffy faced and red from the difficult birth, his little angel had been all he had lived for. No one would stand between them he had vowed that day, and it was a vow he intended to keep.
Kallian turned and strode back into the cabin. He had long ago put aside the tools of his first trade to try his hand at farming, but it was time now to return to the dark days. He moved first to the bedroom and hurriedly pulled on his undergarments, then returned to the main room. Grabbing a knife from the pile of dirty dishes piled on the table, he crossed to the front of the fireplace and stopped down. Using the knife he prised up the floorboards directly in front of the hearth and reached in to retrieve a long, narrow chest. Turning he set the chest on the floor beside him, then ran his hands slowly over the lid. Finally taking a deep breath, he flipped the latch on the front and lifted the lid.

A New Day

Got absolutely hammered by the rain on the way to work, but still felt pretty good about it. Lost another kg of weight last week.