Bad Times

So tonight I am having a bad night. In just a couple of days Hanano will be four years old, but to my mind, she is trapped at the age of 15 months. I have no idea what she looks like, what kind of person she is becoming. I don't know her likes and dislikes, favourite food, favourite toys, nothing about her. It breaks my heart, the pain is still very real to me and I feel very down and depressed. Lots of people tell me that it will be all right, that she will eventually come looking for me. But what has Kyoko told her? I know that her last letter told me that she was telling Hana that some one else was her father, and the question looms in my mind, what else is she telling her?
And even if she comes looking for me, then what will she find? What sort of man am I?
Will she like what she finds? These questions bother me in the dark recesses of my mind. There is something in me that drives people away. I don't make friends easily, and the few I do, I have the knack to alienate and drive away.