A Bad Thing

Nys' mum has been a way for a while, looking after her mum and dad. Trouble is, she is coming back tomorrow. Ever since this announcement, Nys has changed. She is becoming more insular and distant and a lot more negative about everything. It's not a good change. Unfortunately for me, this also means no more quiet nights sitting on the couch watching TV together, or playing silly games with Ewan chasing him all over the place, as her mum is an obsessive compulsive with a cleanliness fixation whose favourite pastimes include making a huge amount of noise in the middle of the night when Ewan is trying to sleep, taking three hour long daily baths and complaining about the power bill and finding fault with everything Nyssa does. When mum was away we talked a lot about the possibility of getting her moved out by March next year and Nys and Ewan having a place for themselves. But even those conversations have changed now and become more "I don't see how it can happen". The life and laughter is being sucked out of the woman I adore and I feel powerless to stop it.

A Good Thing

Well its been a long week full of ups and downs. The biggest up was that the cafe I manage cracked the $10,000 mark for the first time last week. This is a major feather in my cap and now I just need to maintain that level and prove it wasn't a one off fluke.

Thank You Ewan

In a little over two months time, Hanano will turn four. For the majority of her life, I have not been there for her, not by choice, but because I was forced out. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her. Until recently the pain of missing her has been almost unbearable, but its changing now. Memories of her are beginning to evoke good feelings. Sure I am still sad, but I am able to remember the good times, to laugh at the little absurdities and enjoy my memories of her, rather than get depressed, or angry. Moving to Hamilton was definitely the right decision for me. Everywhere I went in Palmerston North reminded me of Hana and Kyoko. Every old friend and colleague I met invariably asked after them and evoked memories I couldn't deal with.

Living here in Hamilton, spending time with Nyssa and Ewan, I feel I am finally beginning to heal. Ewan is an absolute delight, and I cherish the time I am able to spend with him. A couple of nights ago, I went around to visit, and I received a flying hug. This not so little two year old came charging across the living room floor and threw himself, arms wide open, at me for a cuddle. Last night he shared some of his pudding with me, and when it was bed time, I got a kiss goodnight. He even spotted me a few days ago walking through the park and excitedly pointed me out to Nyssa. (I am Man, Conrad is still a bit to hard to pronounce). I miss Hanano, and I will always have these bleak patches where I think of what should have been, but thanks to Ewan I can remember the good things now as well.

The video is a memory of a favourite game, Nono Attack! A little girl would lurk at the edge of the couch, or armchair, and slowly rise up giggling happily if she thought she had surprised you.

A Nice Night

Just enjoyed a very good night with my honey. Dinner was a spaghetti bolognaise, I spiced it up a bit with some chillis and it came out very nice. Company was very good and I think pretty relaxing. So all in all a good night. with the arrival, albeit briefly, of my mother last weekend I now have my power tools up here, so this weekend I start my Tim Taylor impersonation and begin producing wooden items again. First up is a two bin composter, to be followed by an outdoor table with bench seats. Got all excited when I found a mailer from Placemakers, only to realize tonight that it dated from Labour Weekend :( But still, going to visit Hamiltons DIY shops on Thursday/Friday and see what I can find.

Weird Dream

Normally my dreams are forgotten shortly after I awake, but last nights one was strange, and has stuck with me. I dreamed the same dream, from different peoples points of view. It was highly unusual, given that none of the people in the dream was actually me. It must be some sort of reaction to my recent resurgence of interest in roleplaying.

Children

It used to be that I felt the loss of Hanano keenly. I would go through each day in a dark funk, and seeing people with their babies, especially dark haired little girls, caused me a great deal of pain. There were times when I wondered if I wouldn't be better off dead, moments in the wee hours of the morning as I drove from Palmerston North to Sanson for work when I seriously contemplated twitching the wheel and driving head first into a truck. All anyone said to me during that time was cheer up, you'll see her again one day. And I know I will see her again, but that never helped with the pain I felt then and now. But that pain has changed, where before it was a cold knife in the belly, a constriction in my chest that choked of my breath, its eased now. It used to be that I couldn't stand to see happy couples together, that the sight of fathers holding their infants made me turn away. I still have moments of darkness, still rant and rail and weep and curse what Kyoko has done. But more and more I remember the good times with Hanano. I find myself thinking about the silly games we used to play, and the way she snuggled against me when I held her.

What has helped is the new toddler in my life. Ewan is everything Hana was not, but he has helped me to heal my heartsickness. I enjoy seeing him so much, and as he has become more accustomed to seeing me around and become more outgoing with me I have enjoyed his cuddles and when he holds my hand. Tomorrow his mother is showing me one of the greatest levels of trust any mother can, when she lets me babysit him for an hour. Weather permitting we will walk to the park nearby and feed the ducks, otherwise I will spend an afternoon sitting on the floor playing silly games and making silly faces and enjoying myself thoroughly.

I miss Hanano deeply. I only knew her for 15 months, but she is my daughter and no lie her mother tells her will ever change that. Not being able to be with her breaks my heart every day. But Ewan helps ease the pain, and gives me hope.

Writing

Tonight I committed to electronic media (sounds so much dumber than committed to paper, but is more the truth) a story I have been working on all day. It began as a half dream/half reflection this morning that grew out of a conversation with Nys about her Dark-Isles setting. I was trying to wrap my head around a nebulous concept called the Darkness. According to what she told me, this Darkness surrounded the remaining civilizations in her campaign world. It could be driven back by a priest, it spawned demons, killing demons also drove it back, and there was some sort of object in the main city that also helped keep it at bay. So for most of the day I was trying to work out how, if I had come up with the concept, all these aspects would work. I finally came up with, for me, a workable story that accounts for what it might be, which I cast in the form of a campfire tale told by an old warrior to some younger ones to boost their morale before they went to battle the following day. I won't post it at the moment, I want to spend another couple of days turning it over and polishing it till I like the end result. I may even have him tell a story within a story to highlight some parts of it. More to follow.

Musings of a distracted mind

Usually my deepest, most emotional thoughts are the ones I have first thing in the morning. By the time the evening rolls around I have spent the day working and am in a much more... I don't know, detached and logical frame of mind? Anyway the point I am trying to get across is that musings posted in the morning are much rawer and more emotional than ones in the evening, probably because I have spent most of the day turning them over and polishing them until I like the end result.

Cuteness Is

A couple of weeks ago, in an absolutely foul mood, I went walking around the neighborhood. As I walked I picked flowers from plants overhanging the streets. When I had a large handful of them, as I walked past Nyssa's house, I filled her mailbox with flowers. The next morning she got a pleasant surprise, and Ewan looked on with amusement as she emptied all the flowers from the mailbox and bought them inside. Anyway since that day, everytime he goes to the mailbox with her to check the mail, he finds a leaf, or a twig or some vegetation to put in the mailbox in imitation of that day, and I find that very cute.

The Dinner Update

As I hoped, the meal turned out well, although I found the ginger to be a little overpowering. But all and all the meal was a success and one I would happily prepare again. It was nice to spend the evening with Nys, and nice as well when Ewan gave me a kiss before he went to bed, clutching his bottle. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, like I am a significant part of his, and her, life. And it helps as well to ease my own heartsick pain over Hanano, and all the things in her life that I am missing out on.

Dinner tonight

So tonight I am going to my friend's house to cook her dinner. I love to cook, and I love trying out different recipes. It's been hard the last couple of years living with my mum and Griffin. She won't touch anything with even a hint of capsicum. All food must be served encrusted with salt and steak type meals are out because, according to her, its to hard to chew them with plastic (false) teeth. And Griffin is even worse. Spicy food is out, as is any vegetable, anything with onion, and in fact anything thats not a slab of meat, served with 2, maybe 3 chips. That makes it real hard to because effectively I need to cook two and a half meals most nights. Of course Nyssa is in an even worse boat, as her mother combines basically all the worst traits of both my fussy eaters with an adamant refusal to appreciate any meal Nys cooks her. The complaints she comes up are ridiculous, and it has, I feel, shattered Nyssa's confidence in her own cooking. She's cooked a couple of meals for me and they are absolutely heavenly, and last time I cooked for her it was my signature lamb chops with tomato mint relish.

Tonights dinner is something new, from a cookbook I scored about a year ago.

Baked Pork Cutlets with Mango Glaze

1 fresh mango, peeled

1 small red chilli, finely chopped (I'm substituting 1tsp chopped chilli)

2 tsp grated fresh ginger

4 tsp honey

2 pork cutlets (I'm substituting pork loin chops)

Olive oil for frying

Salt & pepper to taste

Coarsely chop the mango and place in food processor with chilli, ginger and honey. Puree

Heat oven to 220 C. Season pork with a little salt & pepper. Heat oil in an oven proof frying pan then add pork and brown for 1 minute each side.

Pour mango glaze over pork and then bake for 10 minutes until pork is cooked through.

I'll be serving it with a kumara/potato mash and some roasted asparagus. I hope it turns out well

Dark-Isles

Okay, so I've spent most of the afternoon, apart from a brief period there where I locked myself out when I was bringing in the washing, playing Dark-Isles. I got the help I needed, and have started to get my head around the basics and some of the commands, though I still have a looong way to go. The next step will be logging on when other people are playing and trying to interact with them. But I feel a lot more confident now about what I am doing. It helps that I've started writing a bit of a guide to commands, what they do and how to use them.

Roleplaying

I like roleplaying games, I've been a fan of them since I was eleven. When the Christian Brothers that ran my school said they were evil and tried to ban them, I just became even more determined to play. For about fifteen years then, every week, I'd get together with some friends and we'd play. Dungeons and Dragons mostly. For 98% of it, I was the Dungeon Master. I created worlds, wrote adventures and directed the stories. And I loved it. Anyway, inevitably I moved away from my friends and for the past 10 years my roleplaying opportunities have been very limited. So then I find out about these things called MUDS. Online roleplaying games. Sounds very interesting, like it should be right up my alley. My friend is co-creator of one called Dark-Isles, so I log in and start the character creation process. And thats when the problems set in. See I like to know the rules when I'm playing. I like to know that person X is an NPC, person Y is another player and if you type A, then B will happen. I like to know what the commands are, and at least have some general idea of whats going on. And on Dark-Isles I'm lost. My friends response when I've asked for help has been to tell me to tell me to ask on OOC channels, or go where people are gathered and observe. Trouble is, I've no idea how to do either of those things.

UPDATE: Right, now I'm starting to get a bit of a better grasp of things. I've finally gotten a bit of help and now understand how to initiate combat, kill some poor bunny, skin it and then use the skin. Finally progress.

In the Beginning.

I've been working in retail for a decade now, and I've never shied away from working any days of the week that are available, which means that I tend to work most weekends. But this new job I just started is a Monday to Friday one, with weekends off, and I am having a hard time coping with that idea. Heh. I was almost grateful yesterday when my boss asked if I would be prepared to work the occasional Saturday or Sunday, to keep an eye on things. So anyway, I find myself sitting alone in my room, wondering if my friend will contact me and ask me to go feed the ducks with her and her son, and I was thinking "Damn I'm bored, what to do, what to do". And it occurred to me that I had talked with her about setting up a blog, as a way to practice my writing and a place just to get things off my chest, and so, this is the beginning.