Children

It used to be that I felt the loss of Hanano keenly. I would go through each day in a dark funk, and seeing people with their babies, especially dark haired little girls, caused me a great deal of pain. There were times when I wondered if I wouldn't be better off dead, moments in the wee hours of the morning as I drove from Palmerston North to Sanson for work when I seriously contemplated twitching the wheel and driving head first into a truck. All anyone said to me during that time was cheer up, you'll see her again one day. And I know I will see her again, but that never helped with the pain I felt then and now. But that pain has changed, where before it was a cold knife in the belly, a constriction in my chest that choked of my breath, its eased now. It used to be that I couldn't stand to see happy couples together, that the sight of fathers holding their infants made me turn away. I still have moments of darkness, still rant and rail and weep and curse what Kyoko has done. But more and more I remember the good times with Hanano. I find myself thinking about the silly games we used to play, and the way she snuggled against me when I held her.

What has helped is the new toddler in my life. Ewan is everything Hana was not, but he has helped me to heal my heartsickness. I enjoy seeing him so much, and as he has become more accustomed to seeing me around and become more outgoing with me I have enjoyed his cuddles and when he holds my hand. Tomorrow his mother is showing me one of the greatest levels of trust any mother can, when she lets me babysit him for an hour. Weather permitting we will walk to the park nearby and feed the ducks, otherwise I will spend an afternoon sitting on the floor playing silly games and making silly faces and enjoying myself thoroughly.

I miss Hanano deeply. I only knew her for 15 months, but she is my daughter and no lie her mother tells her will ever change that. Not being able to be with her breaks my heart every day. But Ewan helps ease the pain, and gives me hope.