The Morning After

Five years ago, for reasons I still don't know, the only relationship I ever had ended. The last five years I have been alone. There was the brief thing with -her- this time last year, which crashed and burned around my ears. But that has been it. And it has left me, understandably I think, scared of things. Coupled with the twelve hour graveyard shifts I am doing, and my mind is in overload, my body is going all weird on me, and I am having certain difficulties. I know that she is right for me. I have never felt so comfortable with someone. It feels like I have known her forever, and yet it has only been a short time.
Half of me is screaming yes and the other half is going wait ... hold up ... is this right?
The answer is yes. But it will take time, and patience, and a period of adjustment before everything runs smoothly. I hope she will have that patience with me. In fact I am sure she will.
But that doesn't stop the fear

My Life. New Chapter

Her name is Nicky. I met her through Findsomeone. I had given up on Findsomeone. I had been on a couple of dates, but they were pretty blah. Just no connection when we finally met in person. She was definitely different. There was none of that foreplay that normally happens. No real getting to know you messages. Just "How about a date?". So we did. I had coffee, she drank lemonade and we talked. I felt a definite connection, and at the end of the date I asked if I could see her again. She said yes, but qualified it. She was going on another date the next day with someone else. I walked away feeling a bit crushed. Until the next morning I got a text. She had cancelled her date that day. Did I still want to see her? Definitely yes.
Date two was at the Gardens. We ate a picnic and lay in the shade and talked. I thought it a bit strange that we had to keep moving as the sun crept around. Until we realized it had been over two hours. Rather than end the date, we moved to cuddling on the couch at her place watching the Losers.
The third date, and subsequent ones, are definitely adults only reading material.
Which leads me to a new problem. I have an issue. She scares me. Or more accurately my feelings for her scare me.
More on this later.
I am still trying to deal with it.

Project Spa Pool, Part 4

Having fixed all the leaks, the next step was wiring everything up. Fun and games when all you have is a 20 year old diagram of what it used to be. But Darren to the rescue and much experimentation (mmm experiments with electricity, shocking stuff) and everything was finally working. Except the damn hot water heater. It sucked so much juice it kept blowing the fuse. That problem has been temporarily solved by removing one element and wiring the remaining one to a separate plug. The trouble now is that the spa has difficulty maintaining temperature. This was also the time when , despite the best efforts of Mitre 10, I finally got some pipe to fix the broken water jet, a task which involved copious amounts of glue, goo and a hairdryer set on high.

Finally, success as we all piled in for the inaugural spa. And fifteen minutes piled out again as it was discovered that Darren had wired the hot water heater to onl
y come on when the pump wasn't working, which in turn caused the pipe connecting pump and heater to melt due to extreme heat. It took another five days before we were able to fix that last little hiccup, and then it was time for a real spa. Three bottles of wine later, it was declared a rousing success by all.

Project Spa Pool, Part 3

Next it was time for a google session, to find out how spa pool plumbing normally worked. A few searches , much examination of the pool, and some crudely drawn diagrams later and I had it pretty much sussed. So off to Bunnings and Mitre 10 Mega in search of the parts. The plumbing for the bottom drain hole and the bubble blower were carefully attached, the contraption lowered in and bugger.

Up it all came so I could check out some sections of the frame it rested on to feed the pipes through. Then back into the hole. And check the light. Naturally, not working. So back out of the hole it came. Sorted out the issue, and back in the hole it went. This time I got it all sorted, plugged in the light, flicked the switch.

Everything was working fine. I toddled off into the garage in search of the camera, and when I came back the damn light had blown. I spent ages trying to get it all sorted. In the end I had to pop the little blue dome at the bottom of the pool to remove the old light. And I got to go spend some more money at Repco.

But at last I had the new light plugged in and working. Into the hole it went and part filled it with water to check the blower was going to work. It did. But a couple of hours later the water level had subsided suspiciously. Bail out, out of the hole again and lets play find the leaks.

In the pictures James, John and myself must have levered the pool in and out of the hole eight times in a single day. An important lesson was learnt. Check everything before you put it in the hole.

Project Spa Pool, Part 2

Some discussion ensued, and it was established that the previous tenants had had a spa pool. Sure enough, the deck showed where they had cut through it to put their own spa. A crowbar, hammer and saw later, my own spa pool was ready for installation. I dug the hole it would sit in slightly deeper, and lined it with polystyrene as insulation. With everything in place, the spa pool was gently lowered in and checked to see it all fit.

Project Spa Pool Part 1

So on and off Ange, my landlady, has talked of installing a spa pool, a status symbol. And so one evening I found myself eagerly bidding on a pool on trade me. Engaged in a bidding war with a fixed maximum ($45). The upshot was that at $41 I won the auction and found myself the proud owner of a slightly damaged, 2 meter diameter spa pool, located in rural Auckland (if that is not an oxymoron). A pickup time was arranged and Ange, her partner Darren, myself and Ange's daughter Laura set off one drizzly morning to fetch our prize. We dragged it back to Hamilton on a trailer, and for a cpuple of days it sat in the corner of the deck.

Endings

My life ended on the 9th of April, 2007. Thats the last day I saw my child. Since then, I've not felt deeply connected to anyone or anything. I feel I have just been marking time, waiting for something. Anything. Struggling most days to find a reason to haul myself out of bed and do something. I live in the forlorn hope that one day, somehow, contact will be reestablished. A lot of people over the last couple of years have said "get over it", "move on". I can't. It's not like the kind of loss where she died, where there would be a grave to visit and an acceptance of never seeing her again. And its not like the kind of loss where you maintain some contact, however fleeting. An occasional card, a photo or two. Something to let you know that she exists, and provides hope. But all that is denied me. Some say go visit her. I can't. I have no idea where they live. I can't look them up in a phonebook, because Japan doesn't have that sort of thing. I can't take her to court because Japan never signed the Hague convention which governs international custody disputes. There is, apparently, no legal remedy, and short of hiring a private investigator, no way of making contact.
I am stymied at every step. Stuck in a limbo where I can't accept what I have lost, can't go forward, and can't move on. 9th April, 2007. The shitiest day of my life.

Scouts

So after the self indulgent whining that was the last post, now for something completely different.
I like scouts. I like being a scout leader. Planning programs, then running them is fun. Last term there were 8 scouts and 12 cubs who showed up regularly on Monday night to participate and have fun. The big thing last term was going camping out the back of a farm in Witerimu. Ten cubs and scouts, five adults. Pouring rain and huge fun had by all. Tonight we started back with the new term. I showed hoping that there would be 14 kids come along. There were 28. It was a lot more than I expected and the nights activites suddenly needed to be expanded, extra resources sourced to make sure everyone could participate. 16 cubs and 12 scouts and I was having a ball. The scouts tried to build a tower out of bamboo and rubber bands. Then they tried to make a pyramid holding a candle and push it out into the middle of the room to pop a balloon. More fun.

So for now I am on an upswing and happy. Hope I can sustain it for a few more days :)

PS The pictures show us on the top of a ridge we hiked up, and lighting fires in the pouring rain (difficult, not impossible)

Illness, and changes

Haven't posted for nigh on a month I see. Spent the last two weeks down with the flu/chest infection which has meant I've only worked two out of the last 14 days.
Very shortly I start a new direction at work. I am coming out of the cafe, and in to the office, where I will take on the administrator role. This is all part of my master plan to become a manager of a BP. I feel that I have progressed as far as I can in the cafe, so even though it means taking a slight pay cut I will now learn all the paper work side of things. That will leave me knowing almost all facets of the business, and able to then move on from there.

Adrenaline Rush

Adrenalin Rush
The high takes me,
Places I don’t go
Shows me a side
I don’t want to know
Caught in the moment,
Trapped in a forever
That ends in an instant
And the tremors take me
Unable to stand still
Hand shakes,
Knees tremble
Sickness rises in my throat
And I swallow it down
Thoughts of mortality,
Feelings of regret
Dreams of should of
Would of, could of
That didn’t happen
I don’t want it to happen again
But I want so much to ride that
Forever moment


Hmm, not sure about that ending.

The Fit Hit the Shan

Well, it really did. Disturbed by screams about 6:00 tonight, came inside to find the oldest boy had the oldest girl on the floor and was wailing on her. Now to my mind, there is not now, never has been, and never will be, an excuse to hit a girl. Ever. Sure I got in arguments and scraps with my little sis, but there was always a line, and you never crossed it.
But to see this, this big fifteen year old holding down this screaming girl, I saw red. The last couple of weeks he has been getting more abusive and stroppy, and this was the final straw. I haven't lost the plot like that since the days of my brother abusing my mum.
I grabbed him and hauled him off her shouting something incoherent at him. She was off and running out the door, the littlest boy was cowering in the corner and he came off the sofa calling me for everything under the sun. He shouted that he would take me down, so I put him back down into that sofa again, scooped up the little one and beata retreat. He was screaming in rage,something about me being such a big man, taking on a fifteen year old, I was a fucking coward yadda yadda yadda. Hey I've never struck a woman, and the only two fights I've ever been in was when I was protecting someone who couldn't protect themselves. But be that as it may, me and the little guy beat a retreat to my sleepout and left him alone to lock himself in the house and rant and vent. Mum comes home about and hour later and he starts winding up to lay into her, but this time he grabs a knife. So I called the cops, while his mother managed to get the knife off him. They showed up about twenty minutes later,and meantime he was barricaded in his bedroom rant and raging how we didn't have the balls to call the cops on him. End of the day kid, I never hurt no ladies. The cops took him away to spend the night with a family friend, and more I am sure will follow tomorrow. Meantime,my dramas aren't over. Following my run in with him,I get a phone call from my mum telling me my sixteen year old nephew/surrogate son has pulled himself out of school after being caught smoking weed with some cretins during lunch break. And she tells me he has threatened to hurt her too. What the fuck? Here is a kid that made great strides this year getting himself set up for success, and now he is throwing it all away for what?
Seriously?
What the fuck is goingon?

Uurgh

Throbbing Headache - Check
Slight fever - Check
Blocked sinuses - Check
Alternating Chills and sweats - Check

Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn

Missing her

Every now and again, this sense of isolation, and loss, overwhelms me. It is a strange thing, to know that she is out there somewhere. I wonder if she thinks of me at all at this stage? What, if anything, has her mother told her about me? The not knowing eats at me like a cancer, until waves of nausea wash over me and I cannot breathe. It has been three years and four months since I last saw my daughter. She was one year, two months and fourteen days old. The pain of her loss has changed, but never lessened.
I miss you Hana-chan.

Disturbed

Rereading that last post in the cold light of day, I am somewhat disturbed by the violent imagery I used. I am also unhappy about the first line of the second stanza.
Oh well, I'll think about it at work today,

Work In Progress

Tentatively titled "Loss"

Her smile puts hooks into me
Cruel barbs that tear the flesh
Stabbing, stabbing, ice cold spikes
To the hot heart, that steal breath
And leave you gasping
Like a fresh caught fish
Drowning in the air
Desperate for the welcome bliss
Of a clear cold loving ocean
And leaves you gasping for a breath
That you can't ever seem to catch

The pain of her loss like cuts
From a fresh sharpened knife
Slicing, slicing, ice cold lines
Unfeeling at first, you stare
At the clean sliced skin
Ugly lips that peel back
To reveal scarlet
Blood billowing forth before pain
That robs all the other senses
And leaves you gasping for a breath
That you can't ever seem to catch

Thats Not Troy

I am trying to explain to a fifteen year old kid about the legends of Troy as according to Homer. All I keep getting is "Thats not how it was in the movie".
Yes, its true. Hollywood made some shit up. Surprise

Screaming Kids

This mornings wake up call was from the little one who was screaming and crying because he traded his lolly for his sister's lollies, ate them all and got pissed off when she wouldn't then give him back the lolly he originally traded. Last night the screams were from the older girl, who was screaming because. Well I can't remember, something to do with not telling some boy something. I try to escape to my room outside, but that doesn't always work because they frequently follow me out here. Presumably to escape the screaming indoors, but these people can't just let something go, and the screaming inevitably follows them out here till I get so fed up I kick them all out and slam the door.
The can't just let it be. They worry everything like a fucking dog with a bone. None of them will ever accept being told anything without immediately biting back, then the first person has to snap back and the next thing you know two of them are screaming the most vile abuse imaginable at each other, which inevitably draws the rest of the family in and leaves me on occasion cowering in my room waiting for the shit storm to pass.
Worse is when they try to drag me into it, almost demanding that I take sides, which I absolutely refuse to do.
Aargh. Sometimes I wonder if the convenience is worth the hassle

Melancholy on a Thursday Night

Pain
It comes to me
Like a forgotten lover
And I wrap myself in
The agony that claims me

I forget the real
This physical solid world
Trapped in a memory

It oozes over me around me
I am like an insect in amber
Unable to escape as it envelops
With infinite slowness

But I welcome it
Take this bitter fruit
Twist it to sweetness

Pain
Is all I have left
All I can feel
All I want

Scout Night

Mondays is scout night. I am the scout leader for a small troop of eight scouts and eight cubs. This term I have started us out nice and slow with learning about the scout law. So tonight was about loyalty and trust. I had them walking over monkey bridges, pulling each other up into the rafters via pulleys, and finishing off the night with a blindfold obstacle course. All in all the night was successful, though they got a bit overly boisterous toward the end

Mad World

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world

Anticipation

One more day of work tomorrow, then a week of holidays. A special one this time, because nephew Griffin is coming to visit. Griffin has been part of my life since he was just a few weeks old, and since he is now in his mid teens, that is a long time.
Years ago, when we lived in Dannevirke, we would have what we called "Boys Night In", get a PS2 game, some popcorn, fizzy and maybe a DVD or two and just curl up on the couch, or on mattresses in front of the TV and blob out. Well that sounds very similar to my plans for this coming week. Lots of action movies and stoner movies, some X-Box, Wii and playstation, junk food and male bonding.

Eighties Hair

Seriously, what the hell were we thinking back then? I am watching the Terminator, and laughing my ass off at the ridiculous styles.

A Poem

Something I wrote a while ago.

Hanano,
Means everything to me
A name you would not recognise
A word that is empty to you
Ha na no
Each syllable drips images
Experiences through which
You can know her

Hah, Hah, Hah
Breathing exercises are forgotten
She struggles with the life inside her
And my first glimpse is of a small face
Squashed and puffy eyed
From the battle of birth
And now the only one for me,
Has become two
Everything changed with a first breath

Naa, Naa
The baby demands,
Like a criminal, stealing our sleep
A ransom we gladly pay
To gain that delight which
Is each new milestone
Her first smile
The first time she rolled over
Those first tottering steps on
Christmas Day
(The best gift I received)
Until

No
I cry, tears tracking down my face
Despair and pain
Washing over me, engulfing me
When she says
You will not see her again
Final memories of Osaka airport
Little girl climbing, giggling
Playing peekaboo
So

No
I say again
I will not go quietly
I will fight so that a word
That means nothing to you
Will not be empty for me,
Hanano

An Old Passion Rediscovered

A few years back I used to be heavily involved with scouts. Have my Chief Scout Commendation, wood badge, the works. Anyway when I started with KFC I slipped out of scouting, then started up my own family and that was that. A few weeks back, I was walking through town and came across a scout hall. I stopped in to say hi, thinking it might be nice to get back into it. I came along to a couple of nights and was horrified by how disorganised it was, kids running riot, no real structure. A nightmare. I was going to say thanks and see ya, when the Group Leader popped by my work and asked if I would like to go camping with a four or five of them and a couple of leaders. I had nothing better to do and said sure. Showed up on the day, and sure enough, no plan in mind, it was all "We'll just wing it". That isn't how I do things, so I roughed out a quick program for the two days the scouts would be there and said how about it? They agreed, though they felt the scouts would run riot and ruin it. But funnily enough the five scouts that were there really enjoyed themselves, kept busy and there was very little friction. Upshot is that my plan to leave got cancelled and I was placed in charge. After three meetings doing it my way, with an organised plan, things have changed a lot. Tonight was the breakup for school holidays and several of the parents came up to me after the meeting to thank me for the changes and say how much they enjoy the new direction for the troop. And I have discovered something that somehow, somewhere, I forgot. I enjoy this a lot. I ove working with kids that age, teaching them skills and showing them that there is more to life than games consoles and television. I am looking forward to next term and the programme I have planned, which will introduce them to the traditions that scouting has and start preparing them for the jamboree at the end of the year.

Changes

So anyway. I haven't posted for a while, and things have changed. A lot.
The catalyst for this change was a woman. Actually more specifically two women.
The first was my neighbour. She moved into the little block of student housing I was living in, and at first, all was good. Then she started going out clubbing. On a Friday or Saturday, there would be much loud music, then she would breeze out and return at around three in the morning, and play some more loud music. Hip Hop music. I hate Hip Hop. Then she got a boyfriend. I know she got a boyfriend because the first night she bought him back to her room I got to hear, at three am, all about why he had to wear a condom before she would let him fuck her, because she had had an STD before and didn't want one again. (Did I mention that the drunker she is, the louder her voice gets?). Then he fucked her. About four times. She's a screamer. This set a bit of a pattern. Gradually, over the course of a couple of months, things got progressively worse. The loud music was played at all hours of the day and night, every day of the week, the sex was frequent and also noisy, and my previously peaceful life was shattered. Things finally reached a head one Friday night. She went through her pre clubbing routine, and after she left, I fell asleep, secure in the knowledge that I could sleep in the next morning as I didn't have work. About 2am I get woken up by Justin Timberlake ext door telling me he's bringing sexy back. For forty minutes I listen to him, and various other artists singing a variety of crap songs about how gangsta they are. Then I hear a knocking outside my door. I stagger out of bed, open the door, and there is really pissed neighbour chick knocking on her door. "I got locked out" she slurs at me. "What the hell" I reply. It's okay she drunkenly informs me. Her mate has a key, she'll go get it. Off she staggers. I head back to bed. And lie awake listening to the extremely loud music coming from her room. About an hour later two things dawn on me. She isn't coming back anytime soon, and that motherfucking hip hop compilation CD is on repeat. So I listen to Justin Bringing sexy back. For twelve fucking hours. That's right, it's two in the afternoon before this bitch finally returns and shuts off the music and I can, at long last, sleep. I slept for two hours. The the music started again. Pleas with her to turn it down fell on deaf ears.
That is where the second woman comes in. She is the assistant manager at my work. For the past few weeks, on a Tuesday night, a group of us would gather at her place out in Ngaruawahia, one of us would cook a dinner, and we would sit around drink wine and shoot the shit. After I described my issues with my existing living arrangements, Ange mentioned she was looking for a boarder for the sleep out on the back of the garage. An arrangement was reached, and now I live in there. My peace is still shattered by her four kids, but at least they all go to bed at a reasonable hour.

Work Rant

It's easter. For retailers, the second biggest week of the year, behind only Christmas. So I tell my boss, "Boss. It's going to be frantic busy this weekend, we need extra staff, someone to help cover the coffee machine in the morning". He says nope, this particular store is quiet, everyone goes away, won't be busy, don't need anyone extra. Well I don't know Hamilton well enough to really argue the point, though I suspect that he may be a bit wrong.
Sure enough, I go in to work this afternoon to do some overtime, and the place looks like a bombsite. Sales are up 50% on the previous Friday, the cafe staff are frazzled bundles of exhaustion and everyone is bitching at me about lack of support.
I was right, we needed that extra person in the morning. Nights is different, not so many customers. Trouble is the boss doesn't see it broken up by day part, he only sees the overall figures for the whole day.
So now I need to play peacemaker, and also somehow convince the boss, judicously of course, that he is wrong, and public holidays are actually busy.

Somewhere I have Never Travelled

From the album "Of Love And Hope: Music and Poetry from Beauty and the Beast"

This poem speaks to me

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

any experience, your eyes have their silence;

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,

or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me

you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens

(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,

as when the heart of this flower imagines

the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals

the power of your intense fragility: whose texture

compels me with the color of its countries,

rendering death and forever with each breathing

(I do not know what it is about you that closes

and opens; only something in me understands

though i have closed myself as fingers,

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

Me and Bikes

I like biking to work each day. It takes me about 25 minutes each way, and I enjoy it, plus it has the added bonus of keeping me fit and healthy, and excercise makes you happy. Thanks endorphins. Trouble is, Hamilton doesn't seem to like me biking. About two weeks after I moved here, I got knocked off my bike at the roundabout nearby. I was going straight through, the dick in the car behind me was turning. End result, I'm sitting on the kerb going, WTF that was close. Of course, about six weeks later, on my way to work, last roundabout, 30 seconds to go. I'm in the roundabout going straight through, and I see this people mover coming at me. Wow, I think, she's going a bit fast, but no probs, I've got the right of way. Then I thought, Uh-oh, she isn't going to stop in time. Then I thought, ohhhh this is going to hurt ... I was right. It did hurt. She plowed into the side of me, spread ribs, bruising to the thigh, scrapes all along my elbow, complete with permanent scarring, and of course, busted bike. Her hubby fixed my bike, and a lot more cautious now, I kept on biking to work, feeling good about myself. Then I went to Palmy to visit family. I left my bike chained to the clothesline between the two buildings where I live. No prob I thought, been leaving it there ever since I moved here. Naturally when I returned from my holiday the bike was missing. Bummer. Good news though, my boss had an old bike sitting around and he loaned it to me. Nice I thought. I am back to exercising. Of course the one day I needed to be at work on time, when the auditor was here, I got a puncture and was late. Then a few days later I'm heading home. There's a blind corner, and I always try to jump on the curb to take it, as I feel safer that way. This time though, I meet a fellow cyclist coming the opposite way. I swerve right, she goes left, and we smack into each other. Buckled wheel, and I'm off the bike again. Had to replace the wheel today, jumped on for a quick spin around the block. Trouble with students is apparently, the cycle lane is where you smash your empty bottles. So now I am fixing another two holes in my tyre. I don't think Hamilton wants me cycling its streets. And the guy at the bike shop who sold me the new wheel said that apparently Hamilton has the worst record nationally for injuries to cyclists. Crap.

Endings

I just don't see the point. I walk through my sham life, pretending to be something, someone, I don't know. I feel disconnected from everyone. My job is just a place to go away from the four walls of my room. My room is just a place to rest between work. Sometimes I think of just selling everything I have, or giving away what I can't sell, until it's just me, alone. Pay off my debts, land just ... disappear ...

Another Day

The weekend was mostly spent watching episodes of Dexter and reading David Gemmell novels, so currently I am in a dark place, full of angst and doom. I'm taking time off from my evening walks as I have a couple of impressive blisters, probably caused by walking in wet shoes.
But tonight I tried the exhaustion test again for the pushups program I am trying out. This time I managed 19 before my arms wouldn't work anymore. So yay, I move into week three. The exercise is helping to lift the mood and I'm going to read some Robert Asprin tonight to complete the job

Frustrated

Never did go out to the Gardens today, just went to the park, fed the ducks and read for an hour or so. I feel... anxious, restless, lonely. Wish there was someone I could talk to, someone to share things with. A little while ago I found myself starring at the number for the employee assistance programme at work. I've been thinking about giving them a call, trying to arrange some counselling for myself, deal with my grief. Trouble is I've seen counselors twice before that I can remember, once just before my heart condition was diagnosed. That ended when I revealed something to him I've never told another living soul. The other was when Kyoko and I were getting counselling for some communications problems we were having just before we went overseas. And that ended about as badly as anything could. So I'm unsure about taking the risk again. I want to do something, just not sure about what it is I want to do.

TGIF

Yay, end of the week, and I actually have two days off this weekend. I'm thinking of packing a picnic lunch and heading off to the Gardens tomorrow for a nice afternoon out. Spent some of today working out an outline for my story. I envisage it as a sort of fantasy/western, with two friends crossing a kingdom in turmoil searching for the wife and daughter of one of them. I'm still undecided about why the wife has gone missing, I have a couple of ideas, and will see how they fit. Anyway, as they search, they uncover a deeper plot that has far reaching implications. The story is basically about loss and dealing with that loss, (no surprise there). I'll probably take a notebook with me tomorrow and do some writing.

Hope

After an aeon of silence, finally I got the answer I had hoped for. Yes, there is a sliver of hope, a tiny ember, that with careful tending I might be able to fan into a flame.
I think the problem was that we both moved to fast, beyond a pace that we were both comfortable with, and as a result, things collapsed. We are both at fault I feel, neither one of us innocent in all this.
The key to rebuilding will be time and patience and space.
One thing hasn't changed though, she is still someone I find supremely interesting, someone I want so much to be with. Whatever it takes to keep this hope alive, I'll do.

Rain

Right now the rain is absolutely bucketing down outside and there is a frequent low rumble of thunder and the sky is occasionally light up by lightning. I love this. I was out walking when the leading edge of the storm passed overhead. It was an absolute delight to feel that first wave of water wash over me, and then to continue home, glasses misted by the rain, barely able to see. It was absolutely glorious. On another note, speaking of those who love the rain. I am still trying to make contact with her, to find out what the story is. Still no joy.

Serenity

We may experience some slight turbulence, and then... explode

Happy Birthday Hanano Angela Shigi-Mines

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to yooouuu
Happy Birthday to you.
Today my little Hanachan turned four year old. It has been two years, ten months and nine days since I last saw her.
I have no idea what sort of person she is becoming, all I can hope is that she is being loved and cared for, and nurtured and encouraged. I live in the hope that one day she will realize that her real father is still out here, and she will come looking for me.
At times like this, when the bleakness overwhelms me and oblivion beckons with widespread arms, it helps to have friends to talk to. The closest I got today was my little sister.
But I will not go quietly in to that good night, I will rage, rage against the dying of the light. I am determined to overcome my dark mood and when that precious little girl comes looking for hr daddy, she will find me, and not some grave marker to show where I had been.

Dreaming A Crow Black Dream

Burn - The Cure
"Don't look don't look" the shadows breathe
Whispering me away from you
"Don't wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling
Adored
Tousled bird mad girl... "
But every night I burn
But every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again

"Oh don't talk of love" the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
"Don't talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that's ever true
There's nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do... "
Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream's the same
Every night I burn
Waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn
Waiting for the world to end

"Just paint your face" the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
"Oh it doesn't matter how you hide
Find you if we're wanting to
So slide back down and close your eyes
Sleep a while
You must be tired... "
But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream

Dream the crow black dream...

Bad Times

So tonight I am having a bad night. In just a couple of days Hanano will be four years old, but to my mind, she is trapped at the age of 15 months. I have no idea what she looks like, what kind of person she is becoming. I don't know her likes and dislikes, favourite food, favourite toys, nothing about her. It breaks my heart, the pain is still very real to me and I feel very down and depressed. Lots of people tell me that it will be all right, that she will eventually come looking for me. But what has Kyoko told her? I know that her last letter told me that she was telling Hana that some one else was her father, and the question looms in my mind, what else is she telling her?
And even if she comes looking for me, then what will she find? What sort of man am I?
Will she like what she finds? These questions bother me in the dark recesses of my mind. There is something in me that drives people away. I don't make friends easily, and the few I do, I have the knack to alienate and drive away.

Just life

Okay, so for the past couple of weeks I've been trying really hard to lead a virtuous life, eating good foods, exercising, biking to work each morning, and walking every evening. And so far, it seems to be working. My weight tends to fluctuate a couple of kilos throughout the day, but it is slowly coming off, so much so that I asked the boss for new, smaller pants the other day. Soon I may have to get a smaller shirt too :) I've also been trying my hand at a programme called 100 push ups. I made it to the end of week two, and all excited, tried the exhaustion test, doing as many push ups as I could manage. I got to 13. Respectable since the first time I tried, two weeks ago, I managed a mere 4. But, unfortunately, not good enough to make it into week three, I need 16 push ups for that. So its back to week two, but this time, I'll try the second column, which is a little more intense.

Reworking

The first paragraph from the previous post, reworked.

Kalian woke in the depths of the night, knowing something was wrong. The bed beside him was empty. At first he thought that maybe Arian had simply slipped out to check the baby, but as he lay there, he became aware that something was wrong. It was nothing he could put his finger on, simply a nameless dread. He stretched his arm out beneath the blankets, to feel where Arian had lain. The mattress was cool to his touch; she had been gone for a while.
With a heavy feeling settling in his heart, he slipped out from beneath the bed clothes and sought out his breeches, He pulled them on, making as little noise as possible, and then slipped open the door that separated their small bedroom from the main room of the house. On silent feet, his heart thudding in his chest, Kalian slipped across to the crib and peered inside. It was empty.

A beginning

He woke up knowing that something was terribly wrong. As he lay there in the darkness he realised that he was alone in the bed. He turned to his right, and stretched out his arm. The mattress was cool; the comforter had long since lost any sense of her warmth. With a cry he surged up out of the bed, flinging the bedclothes to one side as he called her name. There was no cry, and naked, he padded from the small bedroom into the main room of the small cabin. His heart beat fast and his breathing was shallow and rapid as he slid on silent feet over to the crib. One look was enough to see that it too was empty.
With a great wail, he threw open the cabin door and screamed their names in to the uncaring night. He ran out into the small garden that she had tended so religiously and sank to his knees sobbing uncontrollably. After a time that seemed to him to be forever, he regained control of himself. The sobbing slowed, and then stopped, and he slowly rose to his feet, gripping a handful of soil from the garden. Stretching the arm out in front of him, he allowed the dirt to slowly trickle from his hand as his mind raced. That she had gone and taken their daughter was not in doubt. The question remained why? Had she gone alone? Or had someone forced her?
He remembered the visit from her brother a few days earlier, the cool arrogance of the man, and his disdainful demeanour. Her family had despised him, and never missed an opportunity to ridicule and degrade him, cursing his human parentage and reminding her of her birthright as an elven lady. He remembered now the quiet conversations she had had with her brother, conversations from which he had been excluded.
He stood in the cool dark of night, the dirt falling from his fingers and dissipating with the light wind. As he did so, a darkness grew in his heart. It did not matter why she had done this he decided, what mattered was his daughter. From the moment a year earlier that he had first beheld he, puffy faced and red from the difficult birth, his little angel had been all he had lived for. No one would stand between them he had vowed that day, and it was a vow he intended to keep.
Kallian turned and strode back into the cabin. He had long ago put aside the tools of his first trade to try his hand at farming, but it was time now to return to the dark days. He moved first to the bedroom and hurriedly pulled on his undergarments, then returned to the main room. Grabbing a knife from the pile of dirty dishes piled on the table, he crossed to the front of the fireplace and stopped down. Using the knife he prised up the floorboards directly in front of the hearth and reached in to retrieve a long, narrow chest. Turning he set the chest on the floor beside him, then ran his hands slowly over the lid. Finally taking a deep breath, he flipped the latch on the front and lifted the lid.

A New Day

Got absolutely hammered by the rain on the way to work, but still felt pretty good about it. Lost another kg of weight last week.