Endings

My life ended on the 9th of April, 2007. Thats the last day I saw my child. Since then, I've not felt deeply connected to anyone or anything. I feel I have just been marking time, waiting for something. Anything. Struggling most days to find a reason to haul myself out of bed and do something. I live in the forlorn hope that one day, somehow, contact will be reestablished. A lot of people over the last couple of years have said "get over it", "move on". I can't. It's not like the kind of loss where she died, where there would be a grave to visit and an acceptance of never seeing her again. And its not like the kind of loss where you maintain some contact, however fleeting. An occasional card, a photo or two. Something to let you know that she exists, and provides hope. But all that is denied me. Some say go visit her. I can't. I have no idea where they live. I can't look them up in a phonebook, because Japan doesn't have that sort of thing. I can't take her to court because Japan never signed the Hague convention which governs international custody disputes. There is, apparently, no legal remedy, and short of hiring a private investigator, no way of making contact.
I am stymied at every step. Stuck in a limbo where I can't accept what I have lost, can't go forward, and can't move on. 9th April, 2007. The shitiest day of my life.